by Taylor Renwick (she/they), LMSW

Taylor is a Queer therapist intern specializing in sexuality, sex-positivity, relationships, and gender at Healing Umbrella Psychotherapy

When it comes to sex, everyone deserves to embrace pleasure in a way that honors not only their desires but their identities. Holistically, this concept sounds commonplace; having sex (or having no interest in having sex) must be determined by the person or persons engaging in it. From exploring a new kink to designing a scene to play with a partner to navigating what turns you on, these elements that make sex desirable are intended to be subjective.

I mean, you’re the one embracing this pleasure. Yet, it also feels reductive to assume that in a world that systematically denies the acknowledgement and worth of marginalized communities, our relationships with sex and sexuality would conveniently be excused from these repressions. Whether you resonate with queer identity or not, the environments in which we exist impact the facets of our lives in profoundly intimate ways.

Also, it’s important to emphasize the fact that identity, desire, and self-expression are sectors of ourselves that should be autonomous rather than dictated by those in power who weren’t invited into the bedroom. The binaries created to confine gender, sex, and sexuality into more palatable constructs influence the perceptions and stigmas we hold about intimacy and desire. Gender roles assigned to giving and receiving, the qualifications of what label is valid and where, all of it paints a picture of sex that is a one-size-fits-all model in a world composed of dynamic, rich specificity. With this in mind, deconstructing binary thinking as it applies to sex and sexuality is crucial, giving consideration to those engaging with it rather than the expectations placed upon them.

Intersectionality 

Firstly, an important disclaimer is needed before digging into the nitty gritty of this particular topic. The nuance involved in conversations surrounding sex and sexuality are broader in scope than one mere blog post can fathom articulating. Intersections of oppression and their influence on the way we walk through the world are necessary to acknowledge, otherwise discussions regarding identity can never be truly well-rounded. While this piece hones in on sex and sexuality through the lens of the gender binary, aspects of identity such as race, ability, neurodivergence, religious affiliation, and so much more also play a role in the unlearning and retraining of thought.

Additionally, the validity of those who identify with the ace spectrum should be acknowledged and upheld in conversations such as this. Honoring this intersectionality and its place in the conversation is the only way to truly understand the grandeur and importance of this dialogue, and dedicating proper space and time to discuss these aspects of identities is also necessary.

That being said, this piece is simply one fraction of a much larger picture, focusing on sex and sexuality as it pertains to the gender binary while also not neglecting to acknowledge the voices deserving of being included in their own right.

Sex Therapy 

In order to understand sex, sexuality, and the complexities they entail, a general understanding of their place in the therapeutic world can help to lay the foundation a little more concretely. Sex therapy emphasizes the role sex plays in our lives through a holistic view, using different modalities to navigate how sex bleeds out into all the parts of ourselves. In a more singular perspective, the practice I engage with in my work aims to be fully affirming to all aspects of a person’s experience. Whether it be kink-positivity, gender-affirmation, or cultural competency, incorporating an individual’s identity into the exploration of their relationship with sex offers insight into what systems of support have yet to be reinforced to their fullest ability.

Nevertheless, much like how the systems around us influence our perceptions of sex, our practice as therapists is not immune to narratives existing outside of the office. Deconstructing these preconceived notions is not a muscle built easily, but rather must be an intentional and perpetual act to ensure the support of those we aim to serve. Now, sex therapy has a variety of different shades and shapes depending on how each clinician frames their practice; yet, at its core, sex therapy is about exploring sex in its totality, offering a space to hold all of its complicatedly beautiful parts. This fight does not exist in a vacuum, but instead can give any person with a connection to sex and sexuality a window through which to see their desires in a new, inclusive light. 

Breaking the Boundaries of the Binary 

As previously touched upon, the gender binary is a construct as pervasive and invasive as any, one system in a myriad of oppressive structures upheld to sustain a sense of otherness between those in privilege and those denied it. The perimeter of this construct is broad, and it exists everywhere from the classroom to Capitol Hill to our own communities. As a queer person, navigating my own community with individuals who subtly yet unabashedly proclaim this othering is an experience that never fails to perplex me. From compulsive heterosexuality to internalized transphobia, this binary weaves its way into all people including those who suffer from its presence. The subjugation of nonbinary and trans individuals to these false classifications merely reinforces the oppressive structure designed to divide those deemed more acceptable from those outside public comfort, thus emphasizing the importance of understanding this system so as to reject and dismantle it. 

Sex does not and can not look one specific way. Our desires, our kinks, our fantasies are all innately personal things that may resemble those of others, but can never be anyone’s but our own. Seeing as sex and sexuality inform our personal point of view, it's apparent that our perspectives of gender influence the way we interact with sex. Now, shaming someone’s desires when they do coincide with more traditionally gendered things is not the problem; instead, it’s the compulsive assumption that these roles are the ones we should want to desire that is worth unpacking. For example, a femme-presenting person feeling attraction toward masculine energy and enjoying a submissive role during sex is not necessarily problematic. However, a masculine presenting person feeling as though they are expected to ‘wear the pants’ or like they should always want to top their partner due to their outward expression of self is something worth noting. Sexual desire is not dictated by gender. While characteristics of our presentation can make us feel more confident or sexy, the notion that someone should naturally want to fulfill their designated role in sex projects heteronormativity onto all gender identities. Unpacking some of these narratives can give light to what desire really looks like, individually and without influence. Embracing sex as the fluid, rich thing that it can be requires us to look inward at what we really want, not just what we’re supposed to draw toward. 

Where We Go from Here 

With this in mind, sex on a micro and macro scale can help us uncover what desires, turn-ons, and boundaries we may have that can make sex more pleasurable on every level. This can look a multitude of ways; reflect on something you find enticing about sex and think about what parts of it feel attractive to you. This can be a specific action, the power you hold, or even the setting in which you have sex. Looking at its parts and asking where the roots of these desires may stem from can aid us in thinking critically about what we truly want. If there do happen to be aspects of sex you’ve engaged with before and discover aren’t pleasurable for you, try to

be mindful to avoid shaming yourself. These binary influences are fickle and resilient, and remembering that it is natural to reflect the world around you at first is vital in reframing pleasure to better suit ourselves, not the systems around us. 

Gender expansiveness in sex can seem like a vast and intimidating landscape. Nevertheless, its complexities and the value they hold to our human experience are worthy of company, even as they’re hard to sit with. Deconstructing and reframing is building a new muscle, and soreness is natural; in the pursuit of desire in all forms, pain can lead to a myriad of newfound pleasure. 

Resources 

Safeword 

(available on Spotify, Apple Music, and Google Podcasts) 

- This podcast is hosted by two licensed queer sex therapists out of Chicago, and its unfiltered structure sparks fascinating, very human discussions about sex and gender through a fluid, refreshing lens. I recommend the episode featuring Yaz the Human, a nonbinary ethically non-monogamous individual who shares their experience traversing the world of sexual expression. 

The Mark 

(located in Nashville, TN, more information at https://themarkbycpi.org/) 

- The Mark is confidential, consensual, and queer-affirmaing kink space offering workshops, play spaces, and more. A positive and protective environment to explore sex in a way that feels empowering to you. Membership is required, but The Mark is open to all who align with their mission and embody the safe, open-minded values they aim to emulate. 

Queer Sex: A Trans and Non-Binary Guide to Intimacy, Pleasure and Relationships by Juno Roche

(book available at most local bookstores in person, online, and by request – also at major retailers but shopping local rocks!) 

- This book is a dynamic and robust exploration of intimacy and sex written by trans activist and author Juno Roach in conversation with fellow trans and nonbinary advocates and pioneers. Roach delves into the nitty-gritty aspects of gender expansiveness with unabashed candor and raw appreciation for the community, offering a refreshing honest take on how desire lives within a society aiming to stifle it.

Gender Magic by Rae McDaniel, MeD, LCPC, CST 

(book available at most local bookstores in person, online, and by request as well as at major retailers) 

- This book is a brilliant commentary on the nuances of gender from the vibrant voice of Rae McDaniel, a nonbinary therapist and scholar. McDaniel discusses queer joy, pleasure, and gender freedom with curiosity, giving their audience much to reflect on from a radically authentic point of view. I’d recommend this book to just about anyone, but if there’s any part of you that resonated with some of the identity-based elements of this blog, this book will take you by surprise in a welcomed way.

Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski, PhD 

(book available at most local bookstores in person, online, and by request as well as at major retailers) - This book is a comprehensive guide to pleasure, discussing everything from physical sensations to unpacking stigmas to psychological preconceptions of sex from all angles. Nagoski explores desire from

- A birds-eye view, taking a critical comb to assumptions of sex and offering a reframed view of how sex can be that much more pleasurable for each person. NOTE: This book is not written as explicitly trans-inclusive, as acknowledged by the author; however, it offers valuable insights to those of all gender identities and uses they/them pronouns throughout sections of the piece. Acknowledging this shortcoming, approach reading this book with consideration to your own personal perspective and journey; if reading a book targeting a cis-woman-audience does not feel safe, there are several other resources at your disposal. Nevertheless, if you are interested in reading about the complexities of sexual exploration and desire from a conceptual/general lens, this book might be worth your exploration. 

Articles 

- Having Sex with a Nonbinary Person, Even When That Person is You 

- https://thebodyisnotanapology.com/magazine/sex-with-the-non-binary-person-even-when-that-person is-you-maya/ 

- An Intimacy Crash Course for NB Folks and Their Partners 

- https://www.hotoctopuss.com/articles/sex-for-all/non-binary-and-trans/nonbinary-sex-an-intimacy-cras h-course/ 

- People Ask How I “Define” My Sexuality As a Nonbinary Person. The Truth Is, I Don’t Have To.

-https://www.vogue.co.uk/arts-and-lifestyle/article/defining-sexuality-after-coming-out-as-non-binary - I’m Trans and Nonbinary: Here’s What I Want Cis People To Know About Having Sex With Me - https://www.wellandgood.com/trans-nonbinary-sex/